When you first become a witness, everything is nerve wracking but good, you feel good knowing the truth about why this world is so terrible and you try to help others come to an understanding. You love Jehovah and want to do His will, so you think you will be happy even through the bad times and all you have to do is depend on Him. However, you find out that not all Jehovah's people are like Him. I thought that I would be able to find real friends and love and not that that isn't a possibility with the right circumstances, but it is always my circumstance that won't allow it. I focused on serving him and focused on the ministry. However, being overweight attracted no one, while I watched other sisters find husbands and get their dream life i was still stuck in the gutter of life. I didn't realize it then but I was still fighting to survive mentally in this world. So eventually I kind of fell away, into a sleep. I came to realize though that Brothers were really only looking for skinny beautiful sisters that were focused on the ministry and would further their spiritual goals. I however, have no spiritual goals anymore because whatever I wanted to do I couldn't actually do it or it was just out of reach, even now. My friend that I was called my bestfriend never saw me as a best friend and only as a friend or older sister, in which i am fine with now. but now I can't make myself open up to anyone else, because I will just be disappointed all over again as they find a husband or call someone else their bestfriend and not me. I no longer have any spiritual goals. I'm out of the age racket for most of them and have physical disabilities that prevent me from doing most other spiritual things and no transportation even limits me to just basic spiritual goals, so i have none, which means no brother will be looking at me and even if i lose weight, they won't look at me for that reason, so I don't have any hope in that department. So that is my realization, if I go back to fully serving Jehovah, then it will be completely alone surrounded by a group of people who don't really care in the first place about me. I know that Jehovah loves me, otherwise he would have left me drifting out in the world instead of having someone reach out to me to bring me back. At least with this knowledge I can actually fully go back to serving him in as much capacity as I can. No more looking back, only going forward. I'm tired of my mental illness and it brings me down to the dumps and thoughts of suicide over and over, but as long as I can endure it, I will make it through this system in one piece and get freedom either through death or in the new system where all this tyranny will end.
7:49 p.m. - 2021-04-29
Recent entries:
Woe is Me...Again! - 2021-10-08
Thoughts on condescending words - 2021-08-20
Crazy Coincidence - 2021-08-07
self diagnosis - mental disorders - 2021-06-21
A Child's Mind - 2021-06-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
tasp
mookiesfooky