i'm a wreck. i still feel jealous and bitter about my friends' wedding. i was jealous of when she got a car too. every 'friend' i've had seems like they have a silver spoon and they have 2 parents that looked out for them and took care of them. not that my mom didn't take care of my. she did provide me with a roof and food and clothing, but that is all. i was totally emotionally abused by her. i was ignored most of the time, compared to my cousins all the time, and generally mistreated. there was some caring but who knows how much of it was real not just to get something in return. then my father didn't really want me and told me so when i was 15, his words were he wasn't ready to be a father but then years later i find out i have 3 older brothers, they were care for by their mom. yeah my mom was home, but i don't remember her really doing anything with me. I guess we played occasionally but i really can't remember that at all. anyway, i made the mistake of adding u her gifts from amazon, and they come to well over $5000. reminds me of my cousins' wedding. it seems as if everything just goes right when you serve Jehovah but then you come to me and nothing went the way i wanted even though I didn't get baptized for anything other than to serve Jah and yet I totally get nothing. I thought I was over the situation with my cousin and then things happened here and now the things with my friend. i know she wants to have a study session with me once a month, but i'm really thinking about cancelling. i don't know how to get rid of what i'm feeling. i've just come to terms that my life is shit and will always be that way. i see why i can't find anyone to date let alone marry me, i have to much emotional baggage, literally can't stand most of my family, the family i thought i was close to haven't spoken to me in a year and 5 years before that. no one is supportive of me in anything that i do, except my brother...kinda. i lost any spiritual support i had when i came here. i became more mentally and emotionally unstable and now i have all sorts of fucked up problems going on. i can't really be happy for my friend because i realized that i'm not her best friend but just a friend even though i always though of her as a best friend. i guess in a way she wants to keep in touch as long as i'm trying to stay spiritual but she never contacted me often to begin with. i just sick and tired of this fucked up life. i'm ready for it to end. want it to end. but i can't do that without some kind of pain and probably regret. i can never have goals because they always fall flat. i can never make a lot of money because no matter they always fall flat. i don't achieve anything. the most i've achieved is making my service time each month before i came here and even then the previous 2 years weren't very fruitful. even my mo is trying to push me to things 2gether with her spiritually even though i don't want to. she only cares about wanting to do it 2gther and not because it benefits me but because it benefits her. she doesn't care how i feel or why i'm not doing anything. she probably have seen other families together or heard our cousins attend meetings together and that's all she care about. she claims she'll start going to the meetings when they start again but she won't. this is easy for her so she does it. before she didn't even try while i struggled to make it to the meetings by bus and walking with no help from anyone and no money to even get anywhere to begin with. even my brother was only concerned about him being woke up on saturday to take me to training even though he said he was going to do it not just 3 days before it was scheduled but i asked him a whole fucking month before and even wanted to get it done on 9/19. but it was cancelled, they claimed they called and left a voicemail but my voicemail doesn't work for that number. and i don't answer unknown numbers. i'm just fucking tired. i've been tired my whole life but now i'm completely exhausted. i thought that i had a reprieve of sorts by going to the meetings. if i do go again. i'm not talking to fucking no body. i'll be polite but that is all. i'm in and i'm out. not there for any body but Jehovah regardless of how 'nice' they are or are supposed to be. i don't like talking about myself anyway. and i don't want to hear about how much they love jehovah or ask me about how i feel. i don't know what fucking love is so how do i know if i love him or not. i don't hate him, i believe in him and everything he says he will do. i guess i must love him in some form because i wouldn't still want to be one of his servants. it's not even because of him, it's because of the people and the truth i find out about them and how i'm always abandoned by everyone that i get close too. i already have trust issues, now i can't trust anyone. i mean i knew that she would probably date and get married some day but i was fully confident that wouldn't matter because we were best friends, but that turns out not to be true. i guess you could say she is just like a family member, a cousin or a niece. i guess that's how i should treat her from now on. so yeah, i don't think i'll have that monthly chat or at least try to find a way out of it. even if she is committed, she will be a wife and busy with other stuff. yep, just can't trust anyone. not getting close to anyone anymore, there's no point. introvert extrovert problems, mental instability problems. just out of my mind and rambling on and on.
2:15 a.m. - 2020-10-07
Recent entries:
A Child's Mind - 2021-06-08
realization - 2021-04-29
Funny about money - 2021-04-04
Fukin hate her - 2021-01-13
The beginning of the end - 2020-10-17
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