I realized about five years ago, that I'll never get married. I've wanted to get married but at the same time I didn't want to just marry anybody, including if I had a baby daddy. I dated while a teenager up to I was 20 years old. I realized that I didn't want to get pregnant by just anybody and have their kid. I wanted it to be the person I fell in love with. But I also realized I didn't want to marry someone just because I had their child. I set standards for myself after dating for a while for all those years. I didn't want someone who was jobless unless it was just necessary. I didn't really want anyone overweight because I just wasn't into overweight guys and I didn't want someone with a nasty personality. I wanted a goofy, semi-serious, anime loving person who would love me with all my flaws. So I could usually tell after a while if I wanted to marry someone or be with them.
Maybe my standards are too high, I don't know. Maybe I'm not as humble as I want to be or as bubbly as I think I am. I am an introvert but i do love company at times and I did realize that body shape does not matter to me in the long run. But I realized that whenever I liked someone they didn't like me back or saw me as only a friend. And when someone liked me I would just date them because of that but I never grew any feelings towards him. And I never saw us married or with kids. I didn't want kids by him at all.
On another level I really didn't want kids unless it was just accidental or unless I wanted to give him a child. But otherwise kids were a big question mark on my list.
So anyway, I got baptized at 28 and haven't dated since I was 20 years old because as a christian you could only date and marry another christian. Well, there wasn't anyone trying to talk to me in that way even when I caught feelings for them. And I honestly think it has to do with my weight and not my personality or standards. Because even before I became a christian the guys I liked only liked me as a friend and I was heavy set. The ones that liked me, didn't really like me for my personality but my looks. You see I'm one of those chubby pretty girls. If I just lost weight I'd be even more pretty, as some would say.
But after all this time, I realized that I won't be getting married.
Second, I won't be having any children. Even if I had originally said I didn't want any, there was always the possibility if I were in a relationship or married. Well, since I won't be getting married, then i won't be having any kids, and since I'm 40 there really isn't a good possibility of having kids even if I wanted them.
Third, I will never have a 'real' female best friend or a male 'best friend'. I realized that all the girls and women I've called my best friend never once considered me as their best friend. They always had someone else and I was the third wheel.
So in conclusion, no marriage, no kids, and no best friend - female or male. I was only going to include female but then I realized that usually your marriage partner is usually your best friend and since I would only marry a man, that excludes male best friends as well for me.
All of this made me really bitter and envious over the years as I would watch my cousins and friends get married and have kids or have best friends but now I just realized that it is something I will never have and even though that is really heart-breaking and makes me want to be so very bitter, I know I can't let it get me down. I have depression and if I dwell on this outcome then I'll be stuck in darkness for the rest of my life.
2:02 p.m. - 2020-07-13
Recent entries:
The beginning of the end - 2020-10-17
Trust - 2020-10-07
Zoom Bridal Shower and Instagram - 2020-09-13
Reflection and Plans - 2020-07-31
Never expressed anything to me - 2020-07-21
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
tasp
mookiesfooky